I have come to the stage where I am neither excited to take a bath nor wake up for work. It’s only a year and considering that Jef’s with me, I must have not felt this way yet, I terribly am dead-tired.

I am definitely sure that for 12 long months, I have done my job pretty well, if not perfect. For most of them, I know, I have been more than just plain a contractual Librarian. Appreciated or never, now, I no longer care.

God knows how thankful I am for having been partially granted of my long-time wish. And if I could consider myself as one of those discontented humans, I would plead guilty, with all my heart.
I am laying all my cards now. If this is defeat, yes, I am a certified loser. But staying in the place where I am not only sad but doesn’t make me happy in anyway intellectually and professionally sucks worse than ever.

I have reached my boiling point and there is no way it can be cooled down.

I was just ten when I met you
Then, our puppy love seemed so true;
Then, your eyes could paint my life with rainbows
And your voice could take away my blues.

I love how you captured my heart with your smile,
And how you filled my stomach with butterflies;
It’s funny how we took our stolen glances,
And how we shared our half-sane, half-crazy chances.

But suddenly, fate brings us to this heart-breaking test
And it’s freaking hard to watch you give up to rest,
Oh dear, I hate longing for you like this
‘Cause in every moment, it is your face that I miss.

Pretending to be okay is never easy, my friend
It will take much time for my broken spirit to mend;
But like the dawn that patiently waits for its turn
I will fearlessly deal with today and tomorrow, my man.

Now baby, meet the saints and my daddy
In union with our Saviour, you can sleep peacefully,
And like my favorite song, your memories will stay in me
Day after day, it will be played incessantly.

Trust me boy this ain’t bye-bye,
For we will meet once more in God’s own time
Just like the moment when I was only ten,
Together with the angels, I will see you again, in heaven.

I have waited for you for twelve years. I knew someday we'll meet again and when that time comes, there is no more room for childish stuffs.

I have waited for you for almost half of my entire life yet all I get is no more than a piece of sh*t. All I have won is the sweetest revenge for what I did when I was still thirteen.

This is too far from what I have wished for. This turns out to be the one that I have never dared to expect. This' the love that I can only spell out - merely a four-letter abused word from above my head.

I thought it is but perfect to just love you for real, that it is okay if it is just you and I. But it is not just the two of us, I was wrong when I cuddled that freaking idea. There was I, whom you accused of just fooling around and playing over us; there was your self-assessed matured self who did your lying perfectly and lastly your itchy-bitchy proof of my love for you which I failed to do.

I have waited and waited for nothing more than the most horrible fight against "lust" just because I love. A battle which has to end because it should have never started at all.

Now I am going back to where I was when I was still weaving a fairytale-like story for us, where a happy ending is much anticipated. I have to lay down my cards, pack my things up and learn from this true-to-life crime.

With or without you, I will start burying the thought that I can still marry the man I have kept inside me for twelve years...

"Yes Sergeant, you are right. It is better to have nothing than to have it half-yours. Damn right!"

It was already six a.m. but the sun did not seem to be in its ideal tone. I was expecting a dazzling morn yet the heavens were not as excited as I was. The situation got a bit worse when on my way to Makati, a motorcycle slammed into our bus. Lucky though the passengers only incurred minor injuries. I was trying to get back to my anticipation but I felt a sudden fear that these things might be bad omens. These might be signs that a victory is far behind. *sigh

At eight, I was there, safe and sound, sitting inside that almost unfilled Cinema 2. But as time passed by, the seats in front of I started to be crammed with half-thrilled half-tensed Filipinos who wanted to witness how Pacman was going to steal the Lightweight title from the Mexican champ.
After the apparently never-ending undercards, the bout has begun. I can vaguely recall what time it exactly started (but it was pretty much earlier than GMA’s) yet, I could still remember the man who was seated beside me, who I think was ten times nervous than I was. While Pacman was busy terminating Dangerous David whose face became a living punching bag as early as the second round, the man next to me was puffing out all the air as much as he could! In every round, he heaved a sigh. He was trembling, shouting, whispering, laughing, singing, talking and praying! He indeed is a full-scaled Pacman fan!

As the bout came close to the final crucial rounds, the Mexi-cutioner continuously dominated the current title holder. However, even with Pacman’s power combinations and terrible speed, it was but a great surprise that Diaz, despite the bloody face remained standing until, but finally, before the end of the ninth round, a left hook delivered him to the canvass.
At that time, all I could hear was a deafening sound which filled the bursting at the streams cinema. It was a celebration like no other! It was as if the oil price deflated to 1peso/liter!

It is indeed a devastating loss for the Mexican Champ, Dangerous David Diaz who failed to seize his first title defense win. He was perhaps dangerous, but not for Pacman. I could even say that Marquez is much destructive than him. Many boxing analysts even noted that it was a no-match, but then Diaz’s track record would prove that he still made a name in the boxing industry. Too bad, he could only beat El Terrible.

Well, right after the fight, Diaz credited Pacman for a job well done. He strongly admitted that he couldn’t match the new Lightweight Champ. And unlike Pacman’s previous bouts, the rematch fight was never mentioned.
Yes, this is another feather in every Filipino’s cap. Every cent that we spent for PPV was worth it. And for once, Pacman has united all the Filipinos all over the world! Great work Pacman, a homework perfectly accomplished!

Everyone is wedged on their seats after that 12-round Dinamita-Pacman bout. Having their fingers crossed and their palms kissed each other, you could easily read their minds praying to hear Michael Buffer say– “and the New…” And yes, Filipinos prayed harder than Mexicans did!

Unconvincing decision, as many boxing aficionados commented, I would say it could have been better to be a split draw. But, like what I always say whenever this gets to be the issue – “it’s far better than losing”.

I was a bit upset though, for I was not expecting a fight like that. Even if Pacman led Dinamita kissing the canvas for the fourth time in their two meetings, the power that Pacman showed did not finish their much-awaited business.

Well, I could still say Pacman had stronger punches, but Dinamita’s style was really impressive. There were only few instances wherein Pacman had successfully connected with his lethal left. There seemed to be that “something” in Dinamita’s move that made him a bit untouchable! And that must be Freddie Roach’s next assignment.

Surely, Marquez deserves a rematch. A great boxer who gets up after being knocked out ought to have another 12-round to prove his claim of winning this game. And when that time gets them to the ring, it’s the moment that Pacman needs to prove him wrong!

For now, let us be happy ‘cause no matter how bitter-sweet that decision was, even for a day, we were relieved from the freaking news on ZTE scandal and seemingly remorseless rallies…

(+bitter-sweet: bitter ‘cause if not of the third round KO, obviously, we could have tasted not just the Dinamita’s blast but the reality that Pacman is not done with the Mexicans yet. +sweet for even a one-point lead, Pacman won and it was not our fault! *lol)

*wink
It was the dawn of Maundy Thursday (almost a year ago).
Revelation was in the air - in most-familiar-witty label – Sexy Time!

Shocking leaked surface! The most unbelievable secrets uncovered! In a four-sided swing, we bared!

Forbidden questions started with Sexy Vanya. And the most captivating line was – lampas daliri! And we, yes, almost have our eyes popped out! It was a tremendous laugh! An awesome scoop! *lol

Questions ranged from easy to f*ckin’ pitiless! Arline and Ping poked theirs like as if they were not our friends! I don’t think I had scored a perfect 10. I guessed I failed the test! Hahhaha!

It was my first time to share stuffs like that. Stuffs like – oh God! Pretty delicate, too personal! Think of any; think of gross, think of anything below the belt!!! Girls talk! Hahah! But it was fun! And I miss it… I am missing it now…

*Now, I am hoping to spend another Maundy Thursday with these angels once more…*

I know I hurt him, deeply. I tried not to, for countless times. But I guess I was too selfish. He asked for space, but I was not kind enough to give it to him. That was because I couldn’t endure his absence, and for months, I questioned myself about who he really is for me. But yes, we were, we are just friends.

He makes me sing, he makes me laugh till my eyes pop out, he makes me cry, he makes me awake all day long, and he makes me talk for hours. I can tell him almost everything that happens to me, aside from one – my heart beats for somebody else, somebody he knows.

It is somehow a hell, a hell that I can’t let him know how my heart leaps whenever I see my somebody. It is odd that I can’t share my “kilig” moments. It’s sad that I keep my happiest and weirdest moments from him. It’s sadder that I let him know about this only because I was forced to speak up.

If only he can curse me, I know he will. If only he can say I am the worst he’d met, I know he will. If only he can tell me that I do not deserve his love, I know he will, right in my face. And yes, I will let him to, if that can make his pain die out or even it can’t.

I know it’s not enough that he knows I care. I know it’s not enough that I love him because now, he is my-best-long-distance-buddy. But perhaps, I really don’t deserve his love. Not because I can’t love him back (‘cause I actually can if only I will), but merely because my heart beats for somebody else, somebody he knows, that somebody who does not love me…

It was a freakin’ bad day. I felt I lost my life, my baby. All those times I was thinking of having him wrapped around my arms, but then he left me with a fatal text message – labas ako jan, baka madamay pa ‘ko! Whew! Sakit! Yeah, it was damn painful… But it lasted for only 12 hours… I am okay now and I am fine…

He was so damn insensitive, or okay – my beloved alter ego. He is my male version. He cares less somehow, but he loves deeper, unluckily, I belong to those whom he cares for, less…

*Sigh. The blame is mine… I am accountable for this. Obviously because he does not even know I love him. And I hate that I do, I hate that I love him so… Hmmn, I guess, he has the idea already. Stupid, ain’t?! I was there ended up telling him how stupid that guy is! That guy, who I just couldn’t say, is he.

Huh. So much for this, it’s time to move on… Though I must admit, I would still be waiting for his sweet messages (which aren’t really sweet). Goodbye baby, my sweetest downfall…

(Good thing Father Mel thought of cheering me up with these Flat tops!)

It is anticipated. Sooner, we’ll have to part ways. But I never thought it is this soon… Finally, the Peanuts Gang splits up! After almost nineteen months together, now we are six feet from the edge and falling…

Sigh. I can hardly move my nerves. My impetus suddenly breaks off. I don’t know if crying can help, or being inert will relieve this kick in my teeth! But I know, deep inside, I am bursting out!

I do not want to imagine having the rest of my stay here without Lira and Lyle hurting each other, PHYSICALLY; Lira and Bogs laughing out loud; Lira and Posh teasing each other; Lira talking from dusk till dawn while Karen remains tight-lipped no matter how noisy Lira is! Lol.

It will be unnatural not to hear Lyle’s punch lines for Ryan’s “the moves”, to hear Mitch’s extraordinary laughing style, and Mayeen’s genuine beam for Ryan-Mel-Lyle’s shaggy dog stories. And of course, who will not miss the forever famous line – “Nakita mo na ba si George Estregan Jr? Eh si Ivan Mayrina, si Boom-boom Bautista, o si Rock-n-Roll? Eh si Lyle!!!???” Yududuyyy!

I can’t imagine UPI without FI and vice-versa…

But yes, this happens or should I have it reversed? Shit happens… Inevitable as it may sound, but still it drives me half-crazy! Everything abruptly sinks in; sadness gets in hastily that I am not able to shield my presently lifeless spirit.

Tonight, I will spend my last nine and a half hours answering mails with my teammates. I wish this to be one of the most memorable if not the happiest; after all, we still work under the same roof. We will still be together for two hours each day; the only difference is we are a bit apart.

Together we stand, apart we must move forward…

I will absolutely miss you, my freakin’ brothers and sisters! Bye for now…

I felt I have successfully (I wish so) dissolved the barb in my head. I should have done this earlier, but I believe a process has to be followed. Winning a battle takes time, no matter how hard you try to leap over all the obstacles to bring home the bacon. And yes, the most delightful element is achieved when after all the pains and cries - you are left standing, with nothing less.

It took me almost two months to finally decide on this. I was afraid to make at least one wrong move 'cause I might get him hurt. However, after two long months, one morning, I came home thinking of somebody else – it is not him anymore.

I know I had just started but evidently, I had already failed myself, not him. I had proven nothing to myself but had enough to him. I am sure on this, perfectly. I just prayed I did not get him hurt; my intention is not tailored for such; it is not made for him to cry but for him to learn.

I hope he can be tougher this time. He can make decisions the way a real man should. He can live the cruel reality with the people he must be with than an amazing unreal life with me. He can be matured to rein the kingdom he had built with the people whom he truly loves. And just like me, he can now smile for a different reason, for a different soul…

I was thinking of doing this last 08.29 - during that time when (again) I could hardly fall to sleep. Good thing, before I even dig up my pen, inantok na'ko.

Hmmn… now, I am finding it hard to get this underway. Sakit ko na 'to. Pag lumipas na ang mga ideas, mahirap nang magstart.

Let me try… Hmmmn…

Salamat, salamat sa mga teammates ko, cousins, Superfriends, SCABS, mga inaanak, crushes, ex-bfs,-classmates, -schoolmates, -workmates, -batchmates, -COLTmates, -karibal), Friendsters, kapit-bahay at mga kainuman sa lahat ng panig ng bansa. Salamat sa mga sponsors ko (Oakley, Dickies, Burlington, Chuck Taylor, Bench, Avon, Goldilocks [courtesy of Mayeen], Nanay Q, Coke, Metropoint, BDO, BPI, Rustan's, Del Monte) na mga pauso ko lang. Salamat sa mga nagtext, tumawag, nag-YM, nagmessage at nagcomment sa Friendster. Sa mga bumati ng personal at sa panaginip. Salamat sa nanay ko na pinagluto ako ng pinakamasarap na spaghetti sa buong mundo at adobo. Salamat kay Papa Jesus sa dalawampu't limang taon kong pamamalagi sa mundo na may iba't-ibang uri ng tao na ang mga pinakapambihira ay malapit sa puso ko.

Salamat sa -

* bumati no'ng July 31 at nagbalita na may total lunar eclipse sa birthday ko
* nagtext no'ng August 7 sabay tinanong ang Friendster password n'ya
* nag-greet no'ng August 10 dahil akala August 11 ang birthday ko
* mga bumati ng sobrang advance dahil baka daw makalimutan (nakalimutan nga!)
* nagpupumilit na alas-dose na ng August 28 kahit 11:49p pa lang
* naging karibal ko na nauna pang nagtext kaysa do'n sa minsan at sabay naming minahal (yuhooo!)
* tumawag sa bahay ng alas-6 ng umaga kahit alam n'yang nasa office ako
* mga natext ko para batiin ako bago pa ako magtampo
* bumili ng cake ko
* nangakong may cake ako pero kinalimutan
* bumili ng lumpia
* tumawag ng August 29 para bumati
* bumati ng Merry Kristmas
* bumati ng paulit-ulit-ulit-ulit
* nagdrama dahil nalate mag-greet
* tumawag pero 'di ko nasagot at 'di na tumawag uli
* magdamag na inuman, kantahan, sigawan, kulitan
* 'di naniwalang August 28 ang birthday ko – September 21 daw
* mga kumanta, kakanta, kumain, kakain, iinom, nagpapicture, nagpicture, magpapapicture, nang-akap, mang-aakap, nang-kiss at mang-kikiss!
* mga nakalimot!

Salamat po! Next year uli!!!

Ala-una na, paikut-ikot pa rin ako sa higaan ko. Parang wala sa plano ng antok na dalawin ako. Kung sabagay, ilang araw na'kong ganito. Pakiramdam ko, tinurukan ako ng sandamakmak na ecstasy na ang direct effect ay magpasakit ng katawan sa pamamagitan ng paggulong sa higaan! Hay, siguro hilung-hilo na rin 'tong radyo. Lalo na ang mga istasyon na walang tigil kong binabalasa. Ayan tuloy, kung anu-anong memories ang bumalik sa utak ko. Tugtugin ba ang soundtrack ng So Close! Naalala ko tuloy ang mga panahong I was still young and innocent! Whew! Tapos sinundan pa ng Sad to Belong! Ayos! Parang nananadya lang! naliliitan ata sa'kin!

+++
Gusto ko ng kausap. Naisip kong tawagan 'yung kaibigan kong mahilig magpakwento, kaso wala kaming load! Ang hirap kasing kitain ng Php115 + Php30 para sa isang buwang load ng Telepwede. Nag-aantay na nga 'atang maputol 'yung linya namin! Hay! Parang naisip ko ring mag-tumbling pero siguradong mukang tanga naman ako nun! At parang nagugutom ako o iniisip ko lang. Hay, parang gusto ko ng pahiran ng glue ang mga mata ko! Naku po, ano ba'ng meron. Sigurado kasi, excited na'kong maki-Children's Party bukas sa Antipolo! Hehehe. Ang hirap, mulat na mulat ako. Kung sana gabi-gabi akong gan'to sa office, malamang * Platinum ako palagi. (*Platinum – highest monthly performance daw…)

+++
Kung sino man sa inyo ang kumukulam sa'kin d'yan, utang na loob, pwede sa off ko na lang? Sa Sunday o Monday, o, cge, kahit sa Tues – ay, wag! Beerday ko na pala 'yon! Tapos sinabayan pa ng total lunar eclipse! Kalain mo 'yon! Gusto ko ng maniwala sa nanay ng ex ko na may toyo daw ako! Makisabay ba ang pakitang gilas ng buwan sa ika-25th beerday ko!!! (Thank you sa'yo for the info at sa greetings na rin no'ng July 31!)

+++
Hmmmn, parang alam ko na kung bakit ako 'di makatulog. Excited na'ko sa birthday ko o baka epekto lang 'to ng stainless longganisa ni Bob Ong na wala naman talagang kinalaman sa longganisa o stainless. Lufet forever, mahal ko na 'ata siya! Yuhhooo! O, gutom siguro 'to. Buti na lang malakas tlaga ang instinct ng nanay. Nagluto ng spaghetti, at naglaga ng itlog. Ah, 'yung pasta nga pala ay ininit lang. handa pa 'yon ng bunso namin kahapon (5 th month birthday). Di naubos (buti naman), pinaghirapan ko pa man din 'yong bitbitin mula Walter Mart. Pero, in fairness, masarap siya pero iba pa rin ang luto ng ina ko (Nay, lapit na birthday ko, bagong cellphone naman d'yan)!

+++
13.31 na. Heto na ang pamatay na background music ng mga pelikulang Pilipino! Iyong kapag naglalasing ang mga bida sa cabaret, bago maparambol! ""I'll never gonna dance again, guilty feeling blah blah blah!" Kung di mo makuha, ang pamatay doon ay 'yung intro – tanan tanan tan, tantan tan… Sabay pole giling! (Sana naintindihan kung di narinig!)

+++
Huh, Diyos ko po, ang mga mata ko! Ang magaganda kong mga mata, dilat na dilat pa! Uulitin ko, sa mga may balak na hindi masarap sa'kin ngayong mga oras na'to, pwede pos a off ko na lang – sa Sunday o Monday o Tues --- ay wag, beerday ko na nga pala 'yon! Teka lang, 13:45 na. Wrock plays Love is all that matters – love song naming ni Cucuk! Linstak na radio 'to, oo. Parang nang-aasar lang e… Di naman masakit. <*hikbi*>

+++
Epekto 'ata 'to ng kare-kare sa office kanina. First-time kong mag-order no'n. Di kasi ako kumakain ng gano'ng putahe, parang kalawang lang kasi. Pero, oo nga, masarap siya, o depende lang sa bagoong, sabi nga ni Joan. Parang masarap gawing pulutan 'yon sa burpday ko ah! Hmmmn… araw na ng aking pagkamundag (salitang Bicol). At 'di 'ko alam kung bakit sobra kong excited! Pero mas excited 'yong mga kaibigan ko! Akalain mong July pa lang e may bumati na! Di ko alam kung masaya ba sila na buhay pa 'ko o baka naman ilang bote lang ng red horse eh magkakaalaman na! Pakiramdam ko tuloy 'eto na iyong huling kaarawan ko – na single! O ayan, Mayeen, may kadugtong na!

+++
Ilang araw na lang, dalawampu't limang taon na 'kong naghahasik ng ligalig. Minsan nga naisip ko kung naisip na kaya ng nanay ko na tanungin ako ng – Anak, bakit ka nagkaganyan? Nagsisi nasa isip ko, nalaman ko, ako'y nagkamali… (Repeat 'til you fade). Apat na tulog na lang pero hanggang ngayon negative pa rin ang savings ko! Tinawag ko pang savings! Wala pa akong bahay, lupa, palaisdaan, perya at planeta! Tao ba 'ko?!!

+++
…Nais ko na pong matulog. Malamang neto may Kodak moments na naman ako mamaya kasama ang mga sira-ulo kong team mates na walang ginawa kundi gawing rebulto ang mga tulog! Picture dito, pose doon kahit na mukha silang gago! (Ok, ok, kasama na'ko!) Nakakapraning talaga ang walang tulog. Pero higit na mas ok 'to kesa walang gising! Naku po, alas dos na!

+++
Mabalik tayo sa birthday ko… Gusto ko sanang bumili ng cake at magblow ng candle! Sana nga matuloy at sana, hindi umulan, pero ok lang din. Kahit ano. Hay, nakakasabik! Inuman na naman. At higit sa lahat, gastos! Gano'n pa man, salamat po, Lord. Matagal na 'kong di makapagdasal ng taimtim. Feeling ko ang sama ko na. Pero kung masama ako, anong level na po ang mga team mates ko? Patawarin nio po sila! +++ Mahaba-haba na rin 'to! Kanina, naisip ko lang gawan ng article 'yong tatlong pinakamagagandang apelyido para sa'kin. Pero kung sa'n na napunta. At dahil 'yon naman talaga ang topic ko, 'dun ko na lang siya tatapusin kahit di ko siya do'n sinimulan.

+++
Ang Tatlong Pinakamagandang Mga Apelyido

* BRUCE – malamang. Sa mga 'di nakakakilala sa'kin, last name ko 'to. At muntik ko ng 'di magamit yan. Sa mga nagtataka kung bakit, kilala ninyo ba talaga ako..? Ilang ulit na rin akong napagkamalang dayuhan dahil sa stateside na apelyidong 'to. Minsan naiisip ko kung nang-iinsulto ba o mahina lang talaga ang karamihan sa kanila. Maputi ba 'ko? Blue-eyed ba? At higit sa lahat, matangos ba ilong ko? Kung di nga nahilot 'to malamang pwede na'kong makisosyo kay Alan K eh!
* RICAFRANCA – hmmmn… kasi, Middle name ko 'to. Siempre, love your own. At utang ko ang tapang ko sa tunay na may-ari nito – ang Lolo ko!
* RUIVIVAR – surname ng lola ko noong kanyang kasibulan, Mother side. Kahit anong gawin mo, maganda pa rin 'yan. Pero kung sira ka sa R, utang na loob, sa isip na lang basahin. Respeto na lang, pwede..? At siempre, ito, kasi, utang ko dito ang utak na gamit ko sa pagsusulat habang nag-aantay ng antok! At ang pinakamakupit na dahilan ay – iba ka, pag Ruivivar ka!

MARIA RAMONA HUERTAS RUIVIVAR RICAFRANCA BRUCE

'Di ko alam kung tama 'yung pagkakasunod. Basta, 'yan na 'yan! 'Di naman na ako makakatanggi eh, di ba?

…Kailangan ko ng matulog!

I don’t know why suddenly I am bothered. Is it because of the picture posted in one of my friendsters’ account or, I don’t know? I guess, partly that. I have this when-was-that-picture-taken-question. I don’t know. Sh*t! There was a twinge, somewhere inside. I think, yes, I still care, only that I am not so aware. Huh! This is what I hate most, really! This cuts ruthlessly, deep down the veins… But then, it is over. It has been a month and a half and all means of reconciliation, I had begged off bravely. Maybe because I hardly believe in recycled relationships, unless, you have finally decided to get hitched that very moment! But if not, I consider it as another fantasy! I know there must never be a fresh start, neither because I’ve already mastered that dogma nor because I had wanted to teach them a lesson (so they may mimic it and eventually learn, like I do). Huh! I can feel the cramp beneath. But, well, this must be it. And like what I always swear by – before you say it’s over, before you finally forget how firmly you have assured of not giving him up, before you say “I love you, goodbye” – be certain about these few, yet I think, most important things:

+You had listened
+You had prayed
+You had asked for signs
+You had used all means of communication
+You had simmered down before you decide on breaking it off
+You had exerted all the possible efforts of fixing horrible things up
+You had given all the time (s) he might probably need to mull over
+You had let him/her explain
+You had done all these things for, until you finally say – I do not deserve this!

Letting go is not admitting your defeat, it is being brave enough to free the person and the things that and whom you thought you can’t live without. Rejecting a second chance or reconciliation does not mean you are still bitter or hurt but a testimony that there is the one, who is yet to come, with whom you will not be needing to do all the things listed above…

Karaniwan ng kulay mo ay itim
Para yata hindi dumihin,
O marahil upang di mapansin
Kung sakaling sa kakapindot ikaw’y malasing.

Sa kanang kamay ko pa lang, ikaw’y isa ng alipin
Madalas nga sa hintuturo lang, pwede ka ng maaning
Klik, klik, klik, walang katigil-tigil
Alam ko ikaw ay sawa na sa’kin.

Kung sakaling makapagpaparamdam ka
Saloobin mo’y iparating mo sana
Upang maibsan aking pag-aalala
Baka ako kasi ay isinusumpa mo na…

Oh mouse, oh mouse, galit ka na ba?
Sana sa akin ay makapagtimpi pa
Hindi naman ako kasing lupit ng iba
Na kapag nag-hang ang PC, pinagdidiskitahan ka!

Hindi na click dito, kundi hampas na!
Tsak, Tsak, Tsak – kahabag-habag ka!
Minsan naisip ko tuloy, may kasalanan ka ba?
O sadyang tadhana malupit lang tlaga!

Hang, Hang, hang – sigaw ng karamihan.
Kasunod nito’y di na dapat hulaan!
Tsak! Tsak! Tsak! Hampas na naman!
Kung ako sa’yo, maresign ka na lang!!!

Oh abang mouse, nais kitang saklolohan
Ngunit baka ako’y kanilang pagbalingan
Ayokong isipin nilang tayo ay may sabwatan
Sa program na madalas may kabagalan!

Oh kawawang mouse, pang-unawa mo’y lawakan
Sa lupit nila’y wag makipagsabayan
Karangalan mo ay iyong ingatan
Kahit bugbog na ang iyong katawan!

Batid ko rin na ikaw’y biktima lamang
Sa PC na nag-hahang, wala kang kinalaman
Pero ganoon talaga aking kaibigan
Sa mundo ng mga kamay, wala kang laban…

Bata pa lang ako, mahilig na'ko sa pusa. Tamang-tama nga daw 'yong palayaw ko, 'yong tawag sa'kin nila Jack at Ate Claire eh - Moning. Nakalakihan ko na ring natutulog na may katabing pusa, sabi kasi sa komiks eh pangontra daw yun sa bangungot.

*Habang natutulog si Mona
Mona: Zzzzzzzz..
Bangungot: Tok-tok! Tok-tok!

*Bubuksan ng pusa ang pinto

Mingming: O, gabing-gabi na ah! Balik ka na lang sa umaga, kung anuman ang kelangan mo sa'kin o sa amo ko! Tulog pa siya eh!
She-Bangungot: Hahaha! Joke ba yun? Di nakakatawa! Yun na ba ang best mo? Todo na ba yun?
Mingming: Aba, okay ka ah! Ikaw na nang-iistorbo, nangungutya ka pa! O ano na nga ba pakay mo?
She-Bangungot: Gusto ko sanang bangungutin yang amo mo. Tapos ako na lang mag-aalaga sa'yo!
Mingming: Ah, yun ba? *isip

Mingming: Sige, payag na'ko pero may kundisyon!
She-Bangungot: Ano?
Mingming: Bibilangin mo ang balahibo ng katawan ko mula ilong hanggang buntot!
She-bangungot: Deal!

*At nagsimula ng magbilang ng balahibo si She-Bangungot. Pero sa tuwing matatapos na siya at nasa bandang buntot na, igagalaw ni Mingming ang buntot nito at dahil dun, makalimutan ni She-Bangungot kung pang-ilan ng balahibo yun. Nang dahil dun, magbibilang siya ulit.

Mingming: O ano ba yan? Matagal pa ba yan?
She-Bangungot: Wag ka kasing magalaw eh!

*Paulit-ulit ulit, parang si Mayeen hanggang umaga. Gising na si Mona.

At dito nagtatapos ang di ko malimut-limutang kwento ng pusa at bangungot. Kahit alam kong kathang-isip lang yun, ang mahalaga, wala akong allergy sa balahibo!

Makalipas ang ilang taon, marami pa ring pusa sa bahay. Si Botchak (mahaba pa ang hinlilit ko kesa kaniyang buntot), Sho (di nagmameow), Tom (nagdadalang-pusa), Gringo (rebelde), Putol (kambal ni Bulaw), Bulaw (kambal ni Putol, tirador ng kalapati), Wakan (kakamatay lang), Elias (bagong salta), Miranda (back-up ni Elias). Meron pang mga lumayas. Di natiis ang pangmamaltrato ni Gringo!

At pagkatapos uli ng ilang siglo, may mga kasama na naman akong pusa! Ah, mga ex-pusa FKA Garfield(s) NKA Peanuts (na uli)! Mga pusang binalik sa pagiging mani! *hikbi

Hmmnn.. I smell something kitty (me ganun ba..??!). At dahil sa nakilala ang defending champions as Garfields, eh papanindigan ko na. Tutal do'n naman kami nakilala at sumikat! At least, di kami do'n babagsak! Hehehe.. Pero gaya ng sabi ni Father Mel, "rise and fall ng Garfields daw ay blah blah blah sa leadership". Gano'n! Basta!

Marami ng nagyari. Nag-Japan este Dubai si Jackie. Napuno si Pinggoi! Napalipat o pinatapon (parehas lang 'yon) sina Sarah, Ate Grace, Zol at Abby. Si Kitkat na nangibang-bayan, nag-Makati! Si Abby na matapos maitapon ay 'di nakatiis, umalis! Si Jean na nagbuntis, at si Ryan na bubuntis! *tawa

Marami ng lumipat ng partido, at, oo, ngayon nga, para ng naglabu-labo! May nagkasagutan, nag-girian, nagbatuhan ng maaanghang na salita (sana minsan try naming 'yong Avaya o di kaya ung LCD di, ba? Maiba man lang!) at mayroon ding mga silent wars. At iilan lang ang mga dahilan - kung hindi pera (pangit man pakinggan), selos (hmmmn...), mga jokes (na half-meant), bading issue (ugat ng lahat), at ang pinakahuli ang pinakapaborito ko - 'yong anonymous textmate namin ni Ryan!

Opo! Sa loob po ng bahay ng mga pusa ay mayroong isang pusakal! Kung babae o lalake, 'di ko alam. Kung anuman ang intensyon, 'di ko maintindihan. Kung bakit siya traydor at duwag, gusto ko na lang pagtawanan! At kung sakali mang alam na niya na pinaghahandaan ko ang pagpatay sa kanya (hahahah, bayolente!), sana simulan na niya mangumpisal!

Hay, ang aga-aga pero naisip ko na naman siya! Di kaya in-love na'ko sa kanya! Wow! Bigla tuloy akong kinabahan sa kasal ni Ryan. Oo, mamaya na 'yon. Ilang oras na lang. Sana exchange na lang ng I do, wala ng tanong sa kung sinong tumututol, baka bigla siyang nandun! Sumigaw na lang ng AKO ng buong lakas! Hah! Nakagawa na naman ako ng kwento parang sina Mayeen lang at Mitch!

Pakiramdam ko, masyado akong na-stress no'ng mga nakaraang araw. Isip ako ng isip kung sino sa mga gabi-gabi kong kasama ang mayroon palang matatalim na pangil, matutulis na kuko at nanlilisik na mga mata. Iniisip ko kung sino ang pwedeng bigyan ng pinakamataas na parangal para sa galing sa pag-arte, pagbabalat-kayo, at pagiging hunyango!

Hay, ano kaya ang ginagawa niya sa mga oras na 'to? Naiisip ko tuloy gawan ng movie script 'to. Malay natin, mapagdiskitahan ni Mr. Alfred Hitchcock para isa-pelikula! Suspense-thriller! Asteeeeg!

Naiisip niya rin kayo ako ngayon? Hahaha! Obsessed na 'ko sa kanya! MInsan lang ako nagkaganto ah. Noong in-love pa ko kay Choi! Hahaha! Nakuha ko pang maisip si Choi e baka di ko alam, inaabangan na ko ng pusakal sa labas at kakalmutin na lang ng walang kalaban-laban gaya ng ginawa niyang pagmumura sa'kin sa text ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan; gaya ng mga text messages niya sa bride ni Ryan na parang pusang wala sa katinuan!

At, oo nga, bakit ako? Bakit si Ryan? Bakit ako na noon ay galing sa sakit, bigla na lang papaulanan ng mura at panghuhusga (wawa man)! At si Ryan? Anong klaseng kapangyarihan ang mayroon ang pusang ito para makuha ang number ng gf no'ng tao!? Hindi kaya, dati syang cellphone number? Hahaha! Tawa Ron, sige! Sige pa!!!

Hah! Sino pa kaya ang isusunod niya? Ano nga kaya ang hitsura niya? Kulay ng dugo? Hugis ng nguso? Haba ng buntot? Makikilala kaya namin siya? O bahala na ang bad karma?

"Coward only threatens when (s)he is safe," Johann Wolfgang von Goethe**.
**Johann Wolfgang von Goethe was born on August 28, 1749. I, on the same day, 233 years later.

*Buntong-hiniga

...kahit aliw-aliw ako sa mga pusa, bigla 'ata akong tinubuan ng phobia... Nakakatakot... Parang gusto ko ng magkaroon ng allergy...

It was a fusion of rage and shock; I could barely take in the thought that somewhere in that 17-station post lays a traitor!

He or She who wraps himself or herself into a synthetic-seemed-to-be-authentic-guise, attacked once again but this time, left a modest fissure, enough to keep me guessing or finally, pinning him or her down!

I could not sleep well. I was thinking of him or her. I was trying to evoke the entire below-the-belt blows he or she had thrown me a couple of months ago. He or she, who bathed me with FY’s, three nights ago, had another bitchy homework! Yes, the culprit for once, did an underground assault, which really, was effective for I fastened my freaking self to this crime again.

He or She who desperately ruined, ruins and eventually will ruin (if I can’t slay him or her now) our balanced ecosystem for sure is roaring with laughter at this very moment or, at most, grinning over us. He or She, whose face I can blurrily figure out, whose voice I can indistinctively identify, whose thinking I can hardly comprehend, perhaps is breaking his or her heart now – simply because, one of his or her victims is tying the knot in less than 48 hours! Huh! Poor traitor! Is that a concern for a friend, or an undisclosed self-interest?

*Sigh
I can’t absorb the idea. I, together with my trusted friends may be jumping over a theory which the basis can only be a trap, that can lead us to nothingness. There is no pattern of anything. There is nothing common in the victims, aside from being cats of the “once-eBay wide-acclaimed-best team: The Garfield”!

Yes, for sure(?), the traitor comes from the team, striking from within! A He or a She? – For now, my lips are sealed. I want to be fair here, or, okay, let me say, play-safe. I am still blank; have no proofs to slap his or her face yet! I am still struggling in gathering evidences, which will expose this traitor, sooner, hopefully!

Right now, everyone is a suspect. Everyone keeps an eye to each other. Everyone pays attention to everyone’s move, word and stare. Everyone feels every breath. Nothing must escape; otherwise, the evil will hang about as easy as biting a crunchy, mouth-watering Snickers! And I wish that everyone must be there when we unmask the traitor!

I had my (nth to fling, 4th to official, 3rd to serious) relationship ended two days ago. It was the most unruffled break up I ever had. There were no anxieties, only confusion. Yes, I was still baffled though I was already determined on my stand.

We started figuring out what went wrong followed by almost pinning down who was at fault… Good thing, we did not have enough time to count up each other’s drawbacks, at least less guilt…

He then asked me if I was really giving him up… I couldn’t look straight into his eyes (partly because I was drunk) but I said yes (with the weakest conviction). He continuously asked me the same torturing question, for I think, seven times while holding my hand… And I must admit, I nearly said no to one of the questions. Hah! Freaking hard!

At around 330am, we were officially off, authoritatively single! We kissed goodbye and the rest is history…

Two days later, he sent me a message, trying to win me back… I still love him, I still care. It was just a month-long relationship but the pain the break-up caused me was like as if we’ve been spending more than a decade together now. Maybe because I already liked him since I was 10. And I was previously jumping in “us” even before we meet again.

I did not know what I had to say, I just then replied with a question – can I just love you, without getting ourselves committed again? I did not exactly know how upsetting that reply was, but I knew I had the right words…

It was so hard, so sad. I wanted to say yes to him yet again. I wanted to welcome him to my life once more, but I couldn’t, no matter how I wanted to, wished for. I just can’t do it now, and I am uncertain if I will still do it for a second time…


At this very moment, I am still asking Him to assure me that I did the right choices… I don’t want to end up grieving over the must-have-beens and the what-ifs as I chose to strip him of our second chance. I still hope I did the right, (though worst) judgments…

And I pray that no matter how brat he is; he will grasp the things that I settled on for God knows, I loved him and still love him more than we could have ever imagined… But yes, sometimes, love just ain’t enough…

It’s not new… I know, I know it will come and like I always do, I try to anticipate. But yes, my anticipation somehow fails and when it does, it kills me, almost…

After a number of complaints (+_+), finally, she puts an end to everything. Two days ago, she made it final, documented. And, I just did not mind. As if I was fine, as if it was okay…

Now, everything starts sinking in… Sooner, I must have to face this freaking community without her… I don’t want to start counting the things that I am going to miss about her. At least, not now…

I don’t want to fucking rub it in… It impairs my system… The thought of it murders my being, I am surely going to be deserted at times, but I know, it will just be for now… I hope… I hope…

"Madami akong iniisip"... yes, as always...When it comes me, you think of your laundry, food, expenses, work, etc... You are too weak for me, boy! Huh! Go on then... I have no time to wait for you to have time for me... No more... It's over for us... It's over for me... Let "us" be a part of our freaking two-year rollercoaster-ride relationship...

Yes, you are definitely the most selfish thing I know, and you'll always be... Huh! I sound like I still have bitterness, ain't? Yes, I still have because I still care for you... But, I will be totally over you soon, I swear... And you will never notice in my face that once, once in my life you have been a part me...

I'm not over you yet, completely. Yes, I admit... And I don't exactly know when I can say that I already do, with conviction... For now, I will just watch you enjoying your life without me, for sometime I'll get sad, but never again empty... Go on man, grow up!

Mag-iisang buwan na din palang halos gabi-gabi ako’y laman ng kalye. Tuwing alas dose, bago mag-alasdose, pagkatapos ng alas dose ng gabi, o umaga na nga yata yun. Basta, bago mag-ala una ng umaga…

Ay pagkasaya! Walang traffic. Parang pagkatahimik… Pagkasarap magbiyahe, lalo pag sakay ka ng Gasat o HR Lines? Sus! Parang drag racing laang sa EDSA! Huh! Pagkasaya pala sa EDSA pag ala una!!!

Mahirap laang pag wala ng bus, f*ck, kelangan ko laang naman magtaxi. Php60 din yun hanggang Mantrade, tapos ay bus uli, pero ok din naman dahil umpisa na uli ng habulan! Heheheh…

*HR Lines vs. Don Mariano Transit
Noong isang umaga nga, may nakagitgitan sa Pasay Road yung bus na sinasakyan ko! Ay ang saya, buong akala ko’y pagtapos naming kumaripas ay lusot na, aba, kalain mo ga naming hinarang kami pagdating ng Ayala! P* na bus yun! Ang pagkasarap ng upo ko, pinababa! Sus!

*Police Mobile’s License Plate: ???338
At ako nga pala’y may nasaksihan (naks!)! Kabulastugan ng mga buwayang pulis na kumikita sa dilim! Kitang-kita ko ang abutan nila ng *kung ano*… Basta sigurado ako, illegal yun… Bakit, kailangan ga talagang may escort pag matino ang kargada, disoras ng gabi!?? Tskt. Tsk. Tsk. Ang mga pagkawalangyang mga kawatan naglipana sa kadiliman…

*Walang katapusan
…huh! At oo nga, dapat pala ay pasalamatan ko ang dating karimarimarim na schedule na ganto… Ang sarap din matulog eh.. Yun laang, naliligo naman ako ng paalala ng Inay. Sus, gabi-gabi na laang, “Ingatan mo ‘yang bag mo”; “Yang pera mo”; “Wag kang magtetext sa biahe”; “Dun ka sa maraming tao”! Ay sus! Ano ga Inay, OHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*Alternate route
Dahil nga hindi araw-araw ay sweldo, kaylangang maghanap ng ibang ruta.. Katakot nga laang, parang naglipana lahat ng masasamang elemento ng lipunan eh. Hay, kanina nga laang, bumaba ako sa Mantrade, sa ilalim ng Skyway, malapit duon sa riles… Hahaha! Ay pagkatapang ko ano, parang kalaki! Hehehe… Ang mali, wala nga pa laang tawiran duon! Ay sus! Katanga! Kaya yun, no choice, sakay uli, at duon sa Malibay overpass, may lasing akong nakasabay! Hahaha! Maigi na rin yun kesa naman holdaper! Nakatipid pa ako ng Php45! Pang lunch na din yun! Yippi!

Hay! Pambihirang EDSA. Pambihirang oras! Maligalig na mga Pinoy… Alam ko, marami pa akong makikita… May ilang gabi pa bago ang palitan ng schedule… Ilang umaga pa uli akong magbabyaheng langit! Hah! Iba, iba ang EDSA pag ala-una! Pagkasaya!